OK I’m supposed to be sleeping now, but I wanted to get this off my chest. I don’t know what’s up with me, but I checked and it was close to 2 days that I didn’t log into deviantart.com at all. My messages there are overwhelming (I’ve got 542 at last count), my subscription expires today, and what’s worse, I don’t really give a shit. To me, this is a bit disturbing. I mean, since I joined dA on September 11, 2002, it has been a steady part of my life. I’ve met so many great and important friends there, many of whom read this journal. These people have helped me grow and learn so much about art, life, and love. Without them, my existence would be much emptier. Even though they might not know it, these people have often inspired me, and permanently altered the course of my life.
I think maybe my interest in dA started to diminish when I stopped hanging out in the #photography IRC channel so much. I don’t know why I did that either. I guess I never really felt like I belonged there, at least not in a long time. And then there was the issue of some very hurtful stuff said by some people there to someone else there who’s a very special and important person to me, and that made me even more unwilling to visit.
I guess I’m just trying to put my life in balance. I do so many things, most of which are fun, but some of which are not. The few things that are not fun are truly exhausting and stressful. I feel like I need to balance them with fun things just to keep myself from going nuts. For the most part, this strategy works. Time spent with friends, improv shows, improv training, the gym, and photography preserve my sanity and overall happiness. But, there’s only so much of me to go around. I can only do so much in one day. I’m like a pie cut into too many pieces. Maybe dA is getting squeezed out of my life to make room for things I value more? I keep thinking back to my previous entry about pruning the tree as a metaphor for renewing life.
Who knows. As I write this, I’m exhausted. I’m probably feeling a bit too burned out to come up with any worthwhile conclusions. But, I think it’s important for me to be able to look back and see how I felt at this particular moment, because it could be that at my most vulnerable I speak the loudest truth.